Star in the Sky

Friday, October 17, 2003:

Dear Diary,
well well. Here we are, friday already. This week hasn't felt like a proper one, i've only been to school 3 times and the number of hours i spent there put together dont add up to one normal day in school.
I actually miss the normalcy of school. Just the counting down to the ends of classes, notes passed, hours of work.
Come January i'm sure i'll think i was mad for wanting it all back.

Well. Exam update. Geography was alright, wrote tonnes (hopefully not of rubbish), they didn't have a gradient qn for map reading! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Today was chinese. Heck. A years of slogging just gone. why do i even try. I would complain no end but i dont want to turn into an annoying, complaining teenager whos life is only about the subject she cant do well in. whinewhine.
oh what the hell. its my diary isn't it and no one's going to see this anyway.

I just dont understand it. I dont think i'm bad at chinese. i mean i can understand stuff, and speak fluently, and read chinese books and watch chinese movies with complete ease...but i cant do chinese cloze passages! and in exam conditions i just blank out and cant do anything unless ive memorized it! heck. how pathetic. I felt like giving up right in the middle of my paper. Being completely logical, it actually doesnt matter. im not going to fail i know that.
It actually makes no difference if i get a B3 B4 C5 or C6. It isn't going to go into my L1R5. It isn't going to make a big difference in my life. I'm NOT about to move to China. HOnestly? it doesnt matter.

But. i dont WANT a B3-C6. i want an A1! or maybe an A2. I really work so hard and thats the problem. at least if i know i'm not doing great coz i haven't studied i can still pull up and do better. but the fact that i study very hard at Chinese ALL year round and do badly nonetheless makes me feel. helpless? hopeless? like no matter what,i cant escape the fact i'm just bad at the subject. it hurts so badly. every midyr/final yr i end up crying for chinese. Every single one. without fail, hard as i try to just not let it get to me.

Dear lord, what on earth am i going to do? after nearly 10 years of taking chinese, will i get a B or a C for it? is that all i have to show for the language i've slogged my ass off for--willingly!--because i actually like and enjoy doing it?

Me // 5:29 AM


Monday, October 13, 2003:

Dear Diary,

I haven't the faintest idea of what i'm doing here. I have a geography paper tomorrow. sigh. I used to love studying for geog, whatever happened.

Had Chemistry today. Tough, very tough. Hopefully i'll do alright--there goes my Chem prize. No matter.

I have discovered that people are somewhat stupid with their blogs. They give their blog addresses to other people, pour out their stupid secrets on the internet and then after some time begin complaining about how they cant write what they really feel coz "so many people are reading". it would make sense to just not give people their blog addresses! or otherwise to just not write their little secrets all over them.
I was feeling particularly voyeuristic today so went around reading ulu peoples blogs.
Are teenages really all about their angst and their stupid failed relationships? the kind that you can tell are doomed even before a silly boy invites an equally silly girl to a movie?
i'm disappointed.
youd really expect more from people who are 16, even 15.
i mean seriously, they dont seem to think of what theyre getting themselves into before they start going out, making out and then ultimately breaking up. lets face it, teenage relationships are ephemeral (sp?) but hurt like the real thing--or so i can conclude from what i see around me.
but what do 15 year olds expect from the people they like before theyve seen anything out there?
A life long relationship?
A person they want to grow old with?

But maybe thats taking things too far. perhaps teenages dont want life-long relationships right now. they want to play around. thats absolutely fine, in fact its something i would do--might as well take advantage of the fact everybody expects us to have stupid fun right.
In which case, why do people get into relationships for fun and then immediately forget that theyre there for the short-lived fun, and behave as if this was a person they wanted to grow old with.
The opposition was right. Teenagers/youths below 18 dont know what theyre doing.

I'm almost happy he likes someone else.
Perhaps i'd lose my head if he liked me back.
Perhaps,as level headed as i am about this crap (though, given his history, i somehow cant say the same for him), i'd get myself into a stupid relationship that i dont really want.
perhaps id muck up.
i dont want what happened to mel and hansel's friendship to happen to mine.
xie tian xie di.

back to tourism in Singapore. snort. more like propaganda.


Me // 3:19 AM


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